Know Your Enemy

You, NewFan, have got problems.

by E. James Beale

The Phillies are one series win away from the chip, the red shirts are out in force and you, NewFan ("frontrunner" is such a nasty term), have got problems. Sure, you've paid enough attention to know which one is Jimmy, which one is Chase, and maybe even who the new guy is (he's Cliff, and you love him). Still, committing to that watching party presents challenges for you bandwagon jumpers, and not just where to cop that fresh-from-the-press Shane Victorino jersey tee. Knowing that your first baseman is Ryan Howard is great, but if you can't tell me the name of his Yankee counterpart (that'd be Mark Teixeira, an equine-looking gentlemen who happens to be awesome, as well), you're going to struggle holding a conversation.

If you want to fake your way into the free beers and fun shouting that everyone else enjoys, you're also going to need some helpful hints about the opposing team. That's where we come in. The following is a handy primer to keep you up to date on who the Phils are playing and why you hate them. Read this well, yell the right insults at all the right times, and you'll be ready to hit up that Robinson Luggage store in no time.

Who are we playing?

Unlike last year, when the Phillies faced the undeniably annoying (cow bells? Rayhawks?) but ultimately unimposing Tampa Bay Rays, the 2009 Phils are facing off against the most despicable professional franchise this side of the Dallas Cowboys — the New York Yankees.

Why do we hate them?

Good question, with an equally good answer. We'll deal with it in 10 parts.

The Fans

Let me put it this way: If your favorite teams include any combination of the Yankees, Red Sox, Cowboys, Steelers, Lakers and Duke Blue Devils, you're an asshole. Unfortunately, I just described damn near every "die-hard" you'll hear from over the next week and a half. The Yankees have more fair-weather fans than Jason Lezak, and they'll all come out of the woodwork. Worse, they're all armed with the excuse that their father/uncle/childhood best friend who lived in Brooklyn for 10 minutes in the 1970s is "from" New York and has somehow grandfathered them rooting rights. Even you, front-running local, can mock them loudly.

The Money

The Yankees, armed with a comically high payroll, literally make news when they don't sign the most expensive player on the free-agent market — it last happened in 2004. Since their competitive imbalance is probably best explained via comparisons, we'll give you four. One: Ryan Howard made $15 million this year, the first of a three-year contract. That makes him the Phillies' highest-paid player, ever. A.J. Burnett, who might be the Yankees' second-best starting pitcher, was paid $1.5 million more. Two: The Boston Red Sox, who have the American League's second-highest payroll and are generally considered the evil Al Borland to the Yanks' eviler Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor when it comes to buying elite players, had a payroll nearly $85.7 million less than the Bronx Bombers. To put that in perspective, $85 million is more than what 17 (!) teams pay everyone on their roster. Three: Alex Rodriguez, their highest-paid player, makes more than every member of the Pittsburgh Pirates — combined. Four: The Yanks' total payroll this season was north of $208 million. That's more than three times the entire annual budget of the United Way of Philadelphia.

The Star

Alex Rodriguez, baseball's highest-paid player, a confirmed steroid abuser, and a guy who switches his religious views to cater to his current celebrity love interest — Rodriguez is said to be dabbling in Kate Hudson's Buddhism, just months after immersing himself in Madonna's Kabbalah — is undoubtedly the easiest target in the pinstripers' dugout, and he deserves every ounce of ridicule tossed his way. Better yet, you get the sense that those "A-Roid" chants really cut him deep. Keep them up.

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The Captain

Derek Jeter plays hard, delivers in the clutch, is a born leader and has banged more of Maxim's Top 100 than any one man should be allowed. All of this might actually might be endearing if he weren't so blatantly aware of it all. They say he's unflappable. I say show him a mirror.

The Stadium

Yankee Stadium, the $1.3 billion home of the Yankees, is less of a stadium than it is a taxpayer-funded museum. Unlike The Bank, where you can wash down a Schmitter with a Lager, Yankee Stadium allows New York's richest to follow up their crispy pork belly Brie potato bake with a $60 glass of scotch. Seriously.

Their Name

Lets start at the beginning: The word "Yankee" was originally used as a disparaging term for the Dutch, who flipped it upon the English. From there old Englanders tagged the New Englanders with the term, where it finally landed as a shorthand insult to describe Americans. So, basically, "Yankee" is a term deemed so insulting that two separate groups who had it applied to them were so revolted that they in turn tagged another group with it. Continuing the trend, Americans passed it onto yet another group who needed mocking — New York's American League baseball team.

So, to summarize, the Yankees are MLB's only team named for an insult. Their modern-day equivalent would be something like the Albuquerque Douchebags, which I believe may actually be the Mets' Single-A affiliate.

The Binder

Joe Girardi, the Yankees manager, is everything Charlie Manuel isn't. While Charlie is famously loyal to his players, Girardi has taken impersonal to a new level. In the ALCS the man took a stats-over-feel managerial style beyond any semblance of logic, when he literally consulted a giant binder to make a pitching change that was at once by-the-book accurate and breathtakingly moronic.

The Rotation

The Yankees, despite their payroll, enter the World Series with only three starting pitchers they trust. The first is Carsten Charles Sabathia, a first-year Yank who entered free agency last year with two wishes: to play on the West Coast and to play in the National League. Then the Yanks opened their checkbook, and voila. Their second starter, A.J. "Skeletor" Burnett, demands that Yankee legend Jorge Posada is benched when he pitches, and their third, Andy Pettitte, loves steroids and previously signed with Houston to be closer to Roger Clemens. Not a likable group.

The Yankee Way

While the Yankees players don't exactly want for douchebaggery, it's not really their fault. The Yankee organization refuses to let grown men grow facial hair and pretends to embrace a "Yankee for life" mantra that actually runs counter to every personnel decision they've made over the last 30 years. This year the fact that they were "having fun" became a national story — that's how boring these guys historically are.

The Announcers

John Sterling, the radio voice of the Yankees, has been announcing games for 20 years without absence. Unfortunately, only about half of them were decent. The man misses calls, calls home runs from A-Rod "A-Bombs," long balls from Teixeira "Tex Messages," and shouts "Dontcha Know!" after Robinson Cano does anything even mildly relevant, all while keeping a smug tone in his voice that does not invite new listeners. In a year when the Phillies are all wearing "HK" on their chests, Good v. Bad has rarely been so easily embodied.